Silence is a source of great strength. ~Lao Tzu
After decades of living beneath a lie, I finally have the freedom to be whoever I really want to be. On the other side of the programming, from my childhood, my life, my experiences – my options are limitless. Unfortunately my the scary voices of past programming are still interfering with my clarity.
Regardless of my healing, a lot of programming still lives within me. It isn’t gone and it probably never will be. Such is the power of childhood imprinting – whether the imprinting event is large or small. Those triggers, along with the scary voices that are part and parcel of programming, will always exist within me. The difference today is that it’s my choice as to how I respond to those voices.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy.
You see, I’ve been bouncing off the walls for the past few months – a virtual ping pong ball of ideas for my future. The problem is, the ping pong ball never stops. Every time I try to feel my way into who and what I want to do with the rest of my life, my programming starts screaming.
- You can’t start a non-profit. You burned thru all your savings wallowing in self pity supposedly healing for years. You have to go back and make money again. Be responsible and step up.
- Who do you think you are to think you can write a book about thriving? You have nothing relevant to share - you’re a loser. Go back to doing what you know how to do - consulting with high tech.
- Nobody is going to listen to you. Just shut up, give up on this blog and Unstoppable U and get over yourself. You can’t change the world. That’s for really powerful people, not you.
The voices drone on and on. So much so that I’ve been struggling this whole year and beyond to sift through their naysaying BS and into my true self.
The Voice in the Silence
My shaman gave me an assignment recently to help me move to the other side of the voices. A simple practice. She asked me to sit in silence, no voices, no thoughts - only beautiful white energy. She suggested I start with fifteen minutes a day. No meditation tapes, no guidance - nothing but white light.
That seemed simple enough - until I tried it. That’s when I really learned the reality about all my voices. They never stop!
My brain is noisier than a New York minute. It never ceases. It darts around faster than my favorite hummingbirds searching for their sweet treats. I had almost no control of my brain. Even when I told it to stop - it kept right on running. I reminded myself of Dori in Finding Nemo - Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Talk about Busy Brain!
It took me two weeks to sit and maintain the silence for a few moments. Three weeks later, I’m up to five whole minutes of silence, on my good days. WOW. I’m proud of that progress by the way.
Within that blessed five minutes I hear my soul’s voice so clearly. I’ve known it all along. My soul has whispered to me all of my life - I just didn’t usually listen. After all, the cacophony of thoughts was so loud and powerful. My soul’s voice is so gentle, soft, grounded. How could it dominate over all the scary crashing noise?
Thanks to the silence, short as it is today, I’ve already found the answer to the question, an answer that’s eluded me for all my life. It was anything but the answer I expected.
Who am I supposed to be? Where am I supposed to focus?
The answer is simple: Me, myself and I.
The rest of the worldly and “doing” details, well, those will follow in their own perfect time. For today, I simply sit, with me, in faith.
Photo courtesy of my buddha nature.