Reality Strikes
I had quite the shock last week. You see, I lost a big consulting opportunity - because of this blog.
Yep - that’s right. Seems the potential client (a large tech company) was doing web research on me after one of my consulting associates recommended me to restructure their positioning.
They Googled me, found this blog, read it - and that was that. Seems I made them uncomfortable and they questioned whether I was stable enough to do the work that I’ve done successfully for over twenty years now. All because I’m sharing my truth to help others like me.
At first I was angry.
Then I cried. A lot. Feeling so powerless, so hurt and frankly, like an outcast. Wondering if I’ve screwed up my life forever - at least my business career. You see - this event explained something that’s confused me for the past six months. I couldn’t figure out why so many business deals were going away when I have a 100% close rate over 20 years. Now I think I know.
Today I’m angry again.
I feel that this is yet another example of our society and the black and white judgements about abuse and other ugly experiences. Don’t tell - bury your head like an ostrich - stay silent. What BS.
The bottom line is that I was judged for sharing my personal story when I am a professional business woman. I broke the sacred rule - I mixed business with my own true self by having the courage to share my story publicly.
My friend who recommended me into the company suggested that I stop posting anything about this blog or any of my personal life on social media. I have to go dark on the personal side of my world and stick to “business” only.
That feels so false to me - and yet it’s what the world wants. And obviously what the world will reward. Since the world is what gives me dollars to live - I’m now in a tough position. I can stand up for who and what I am, and lose more business. Or I can succumb to the pressures and hide my truth - to keep my professional self and dollars coming in.
I’m going to split the difference. Here’s how:
- I’ve changed my name back to Bel Brown on this blog - so no one will see Thriving when they search for Rebel Brown. What a crock is that - I feel like I’m hiding.
- I’m disengaging my RSS feed to Triberr - so there will be no more RTs through that channel.
- I’m not going to post these blogs anywhere on my social media sites. I can’t afford to do that anymore given this latest situation, and what I now suspect are others with the same results.
The above means that I’m basically writing this blog for myself - and for those who find me here. Which is what it’s all about anyway, right? But Im disappointed - and a big part of me feels I’m sacrificing my integrity for the almight dollar - which goes so against my core beliefs.
I’d appreciate your thoughts on this whole thing - for those who read this post. I admit it - I’m hurt, I’m upset, I’m angry and I’m once again feeling powerless in the face of those who wield power over me in this world.
But this time - I’m mad as hell too. I may have to go dark - but I will not be silenced.
4 Comments
Reader Comments (4)
I am so sorry that this happened to you. You have such an awesome story that everyone should hear. But, you have to put food on the table. I think you are doing what is right for you. And if it is what you think you must do, I am sure it is. You are a strong, determined woman. Just compartmentalize. That is what I have done for years. I am writing a book about PTSD and Me. Everything we have experienced in our lives is what makes us who we are today. That company couldn't possibly understand what obstacles you have come through. They just want to know your qualifications. They could care less how wonderful and caring you are. I will keep you in my prayers as you make it through this test. Love you! Barb
Barbara - thanks so much.
I have been an executive consultant for ove 20 years. I've delivered more than my clients ever asked for, worked 100+ hour weeks for them to do the best job possible - no one has EVER questioned my abilities. And now, because I share my personal truth - I'm being questioned as a professional? That just plain sucks.
But ya know what? It's yet another story about how messed up our world really is. I have the best qualifications and references out there when it comes to marketing and strategy for high techs. My VCs call me their secret weapon...and yet this happens? I think it's proof of how far we have yet to evolve....as humans, as professionals and as businesses.
I will continue to write my story here - and I will trust that the people who need to find it will do just that. And I will find a way to share it as Bel with the world - and to heck with the uptight corporate types who see the courage to be open as a negative attribute!
Thanks SO MUCH for your support lovely one. It means the WORLD to me.
XOXO
Bel
I have been quite moved by your recent personal journey and sharing it with the world. Thank you for being an inspiration to many. That said there are two parts to my comment to your post here:
1. Personally I don't think you can go back. By that I mean change your name, bury this blog…. for one thing it's out there on the big G and without expensive reputation management will always be there for anyone to find. I personally don't think you should go back, but consider forging on in your chosen direction. The word will get out that you are incredibly strong, resilient, focused and not having a break down by any means and the effective corporate work you have always done is a viable option… in fact you may have become even more effective through your experience and by that I mean the experience of sharing your hidden personal journey. It takes real guts!
2. Things in situations like this are often not what they seem. I refer to the turn down and the excuse given for it. If we had the ability to make closer analysis of the players you might find that they too had some "hidden" or partially "hidden" personal experiences which "god forbid" must never see the light of day. Do you get the drift……. the "WHY" could be a very different "WHY"!
If there was any time to make lemonade out of lemons, it is now.
CASUDI
Thanks so much for the support Caroline.
The good news is that i CAN go back. because of the way I structured this blog - my name isnt associated with the url - which means as soon as Google reindexes the site (within 2-3 weeks) - We'lll be Bel.
I admit it - this knocked the wind out of my sails. But it's not this alone.
I've taken the last few days to feel my way through this - and I can't help but wonder if this blog isn't keeping me stuck in my story. And frankly - I'm SO DONE with my story.
I want a thriving life - and so far this blog has caused me nothing but problems. And writing it brings me back into the story again and again.
So now - Im going to pause and feel my way into the future of this work. I know there's a reason for it. but frankly - its more trouble than blessing these days.
I am SO GRATEFUL for the handful of friends who have supported me in this work. And I'm also grateful for the opportunity to see clearly who my true friends are - vs those who really aren't.
Amazing how that learning comes - now isn't it?
I love ya sistah!
xoo
bel