Reality Strikes

I had quite the shock last week. You see, I lost a big consulting opportunity - because of this blog. 

Yep - that’s right.  Seems the potential client (a large tech company) was doing web research on me after one of my consulting associates recommended me to restructure their positioning. 

They Googled me, found this blog, read it - and that was that. Seems I made them uncomfortable and they questioned whether I was stable enough to do the work that I’ve done successfully for over twenty years now. All because I’m sharing my truth to help others like me. 

At first I was angry.

Then I cried. A lot. Feeling so powerless, so hurt and frankly, like an outcast. Wondering if I’ve screwed up my life forever - at least my business career.  You see - this event explained something that’s confused me for the past six months.  I couldn’t figure out why so many business deals were going away when I have a 100% close rate over 20 years. Now I think I know. 

Today I’m angry again.

I feel that this is yet another example of our society and the black and white judgements about abuse and other ugly experiences.  Don’t tell - bury your head like an ostrich - stay silent. What BS.

The bottom line is that  I was judged for sharing my personal story when I am a professional business woman. I broke the sacred rule - I mixed business with my own true self by having the courage to share my story publicly.

My friend who recommended me into the company suggested that I stop posting anything about this blog or any of my personal life on social media.  I have to go dark on the personal side of my world and stick to “business” only.

That feels so false to me - and yet it’s what the world wants. And obviously what the world will reward. Since the world is what gives me dollars to live - I’m now in a tough position. I can stand up for who and what I am, and lose more business. Or I can succumb to the pressures and hide my truth - to keep my professional self and dollars coming in.

I’m going to split the difference. Here’s how:

• I’ve changed my name back to Bel Brown on this blog - so no one will see Thriving when they search for Rebel Brown. What a crock is that - I feel like I’m hiding. 

• I’m disengaging my RSS feed to Triberr - so there will be no more RTs through that channel.

• I’m not going to post these blogs anywhere on my social media sites. I can’t afford to do that anymore given this latest situation, and what I now suspect are others with the same results. 

The above means that I’m basically writing this blog for myself - and for those who find me here. Which is what it’s all about anyway, right? But Im disappointed - and a big part of me feels I’m sacrificing my integrity for the almight dollar - which goes so against my core beliefs.

I’d appreciate your thoughts on this whole thing - for those who read this post. I admit it - I’m hurt, I’m upset, I’m angry and I’m once again feeling powerless in the face of those who wield power over me in this world.

But this time - I’m mad as hell too. I may have to go dark - but I will not be silenced. 

Within the Silence

Silence is a source of great strength.  ~Lao Tzu

After decades of living beneath a lie, I finally have the freedom to be whoever I really want to be. On the other side of the programming, from my childhood, my life, my experiences – my options are limitless. Unfortunately my the scary voices of past programming are still interfering with my clarity.

Regardless of my healing, a lot of programming still lives within me. It isn’t gone and it probably never will be. Such is the power of childhood imprinting – whether the imprinting event is large or small. Those triggers, along with the scary voices that are part and parcel of programming, will always exist within me. The difference today is that it’s my choice as to how I respond to those voices.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. 

You see, I’ve been bouncing off the walls for the past few months – a virtual ping pong ball of ideas for my future. The problem is, the ping pong ball never stops. Every time I try to feel my way into who and what I want to do with the rest of my life, my programming starts screaming.

• You can’t start a non-profit. You burned thru all your savings wallowing in self pity supposedly healing for years. You have to go back and make money again. Be responsible and step up. 
•  Who do you think you are to think you can write a book about thriving? You have nothing relevant to share - you’re a loser. Go back to doing what you know how to do - consulting with high tech.
•  Nobody is going to listen to you. Just shut up, give up on this blog and Unstoppable U and get over yourself. You can’t change the world. That’s for really powerful people, not you. 

The voices drone on and on. So much so that I’ve been struggling this whole year and beyond to sift through their naysaying BS and into my true self.

The Voice in the Silence 

My shaman gave me an assignment recently to help me move to the other side of the voices. A simple practice. She asked me to sit in silence, no voices, no thoughts - only beautiful white energy. She suggested I start with fifteen minutes a day. No meditation tapes, no guidance - nothing but white light.

That seemed simple enough - until I tried it. That’s when I really learned the reality about all my voices. They never stop! 

My brain is noisier than a New York minute. It never ceases. It darts around faster than my favorite hummingbirds searching for their sweet treats.  I had almost no control of my brain. Even when I told it to stop - it kept right on running. I reminded myself of Dori in Finding Nemo - Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Talk about Busy Brain!

It took me two weeks to sit and maintain the silence for a few moments. Three weeks later, I’m up to five whole minutes of silence, on my good days. WOW. I’m proud of that progress by the way. 

Within that blessed five minutes I hear my soul’s voice so clearly. I’ve known it all along. My soul has whispered to me all of my life - I just didn’t usually listen. After all, the cacophony of thoughts was so loud and powerful. My soul’s voice is so gentle, soft, grounded. How could it dominate over all the scary crashing noise? 

Thanks to the silence, short as it is today, I’ve already found the answer to the question, an answer that’s eluded me for all my life. It was anything but the answer I expected.

Who am I supposed to be? Where am I supposed to focus?

The answer is simple: Me, myself and I.  

The rest of the worldly and “doing” details, well, those will follow in their own perfect time. For today, I simply sit, with me, in faith. 

Photo courtesy of my buddha nature.

I'm Not That Brave

As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. ~ Marianne Williamson

I’ve been puzzled by the comments about my courage in sharing my story with others so openly. I find them on this blog, on my article on the Ricki Lake Show website, on my Facebook page and more.

I felt compelled to clarify this whole concept of my courage and bravery. 

I don’t feel brave, courageous or in any different from anyone else.

For me, sharing my story was as natural and right as sharing any other experience or knowledge I have accumulated in my oh-so-full life.

Maybe I’m more open than some, but that doesn’t make me brave. It simply makes me, well, open. There’s a much simpler reason I share as I do.  

We’re Here to Help Each Other

I believe that we are here to help each other, to learn, grow and evolve as spiritual beings and as the human race.

When we stand alone, we limit our power. When we live in community - we share our power with others, and they share theirs with us. We empower each other to be better.

Together, we are stronger. We have more possibilities, more experiences and learning, more opportunities to expand and step up to our full potential. When we join together to share our lives and learning we become bigger than our individual selves. For me, that’s the reason we’re all here.

My mom gets the credit for implanting that belief within me. She didn’t want me to be a spoiled brat only child- so she told me I had more than my fair share from God, that I needed to share my gifts with others to make God happy with me. That programming created a few issues for my adult self, but that’s another story. Regardless, I’m grateful for my mom teaching me to share and be open about my life and my experiences. Its part of what makes me who I am. 

I Simply Knew 

In the first weeks of my memory recovery - I knew my life was changing. Bigtime. Not just because of my ugly scary childhhod reality. I simply knew I was meant to do something very different in my life going forward. I knew I was meant to share my stories to help others. I can’t tell you how I knew. I simply knew. 

It never occured to me not to share my story. Especially as I learned more and more of the truth about trauma and all of the false perceptions our society holds. Even moreso as I learned how potentially detrimental traditional therapy can be to some of us with trauma - the same traditional therapy that held me in treatement for decades and never ever came close to discovering, much less healing, my deepest wounds. 

My Path with Purpose is Clear

I went through what I did as a child, lived my roller coaster life, learned the lessons along the way for one overriding reason - my path with purpose. Today, I’m stepping farther and farther along that path.

I’m creating a non-profit for kids, expanding Unstoppable U to create a program focused on teaching parents the truth about truama. Parents and adults need to know the truths so few of us know, the truths that can and will make a huge impact on our kids and their lives. We can help our kids create and maintain positive programming even in the face of our stress (and trauma) filled world. We’re also creating a site for kids - where we can share stories and Horse Sensei practices that teach kids how to positively approach life in the modern world. 

I’m also moving away from my tech consulting business and toward coaching adults with trauma. We all have trauma these days. Whether you’re an executive facing the daily potential of business failure thanks to a crazy economy, an employee pressured to perform more with less, a single mom overwhelmed with life or simply a human being watching the news  - we all have stress and stress creates trauma. I know I’m here to help others Thrive. And so - I step forward in faith.   

My life has blessed me with experiences and lessons that can help others. That’s why I’m here and that’s why I share my stories and lessons along the way.

I’ve already been honored by so many emails and private notes from folks I didn’t know - sharing their own horrible stories with me, thanking me for helping them to know they are not alone. THAT is why I’m here, and I’m honored to be a small contributor to others’ healing.

My Truth

It wasn’t courage that guided me to bring my story out into the world. It was a Path with Purpose, and a very simple knowing.

Together - we can all Thrive on the Other Side.  

Get Over IT

Is there a pill for this thing called trauma? ~ Susan Kay Wyatt

My dear friend Susan Kay Wyatt posted a great video in her Piano Chat last week, entitled “Got Trauma, Get Over It!” I had to giggle along with her light, yet oh so poignant thoughts!

Susan struck a special chord with me. Probably because I cannot count the number of friends, associates and supposedly “caring” people who have said the same to me. “Just get over it!” As if that’s not exactly what I’m working to do. Sigh.

Some folks aren’t that direct. Instead, they make flippant remarks or crack jokes, making light of my life’s journey in what I can only assume is an attempt to avoid having to feel some pain in their own selves.

We’ve All Got IT

Our programming to avoid anything uncomfortable is strong - especially in today’s emotionally numbing world. I continue to be amazed at how soulless people can be when they are protected by an avatar or email. But that’s another post…. 

The reality is that Everybody has some form of trauma. When we truly understand trauma and IT’s outward symptoms - we can see IT’s ugly face everywhere in our world, from gun-toting kids to overstressed executives to single Moms. Our very existence is creating trauma in the majority of us.

What’s really interesting is the knowing that we are all programmed to create trauma in ourselves. Bet you never heard that one before.  

Here’s a simple example. We’re taught to never ever let them see us flinch. From sayings like “Keep a stiff upper lip” to “Boys don’t cry” to “Push through the pain” - we program ourselves to go through life in traumatic, false ways.  Every time we push through instead of feeling and acknowledging - we create a tiny bit of trauma response. Over time, all of those tiny bits can, and do, add up. 

The results range from avoidance to denial to living a false life and hiding our truth. 

• How many people do you know who have to make a joke, or make some light comment, in the face of a tough conversation?  Avoidance at its finest.  

• How many people do you know who hunker down and act as though everything is fine - even if their world is falling apart. Denial simply internalizes the trauma response. 

• How many simply don’t share their true feelings and fears because they can’t stand the thought of the comments, looks, pity and more from those who would claim to be totally healthy? That’s living a lie. Say hello to trauma.

We All Need to Get Over IT

In my opinion, “IT” isn’t the trauma. 

What we need to get over is running from ourselves and our soul’s truth. We need to Get Over living in our brains and society’s programming. We need to Get Over running and rationalizing.

I think we need to learn to settle in and listen to our spirit’s guidance.

Would your soul be flippant about someone’s painful journey? Would your soul choose to live in avoidance of harsh realities instead of settling in to authenticity? I doubt it…

Living in Gratitude for IT 

I’ve spent the last five years of my life focusing on Getting Over IT.  I’ve actually spent most of my life Getting Over IT - I just didn’t know IT ‘til five years ago. I wouldn’t change a thing about my journey. That surprises a lot of people - but it’s true.

My journey of Getting Over IT helped me to find my true, soulful self. A self with compassion, empathy, wisdom and the courage to share my story to help others find their way to thrive. 

Nearly every day I hear from someone new who wants to Get Over IT, someone whom I’ve touched with my story and learning, given strength, hope, a safe place to share or the chance to know they are not alone in their life’s journey.

That’s my reason for writing this blog, for sharing my less than happy truth.

If that means people think I need to Get Over IT and move on, learn to take my life less seriously and distract myself to put on my happy face - so be it. Everybody has their right to choose how they live their lives - in authenticity, or not. 

My true prayer for all of those folks is that they find their path to Get Over IT, too! 

My Crisis of Faith

We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God shaking them. ~Charles West

For the past two weeks I’ve been having a huge crisis of faith - about my life, my future, my truth and more. It’s not my first crisis of faith - but it surely has been one of the most unsettling. Just as I thought I was on my Path with Purpose - focusing on creating the Unstoppable U Foundation to help others transform trauma into personal power - Doubt hit me right upside the head.

The doubt had a bit of help. In the course of a single day three experienced non-profit people told me why I couldn’t possibly create or fund Unstoppable U, due to liability insurance, D&O coverage and the need for a recognized mental health specialist as the lead of the program. My Unstoppable U project was also turned down by Kickstarter (I now understand how to get it approved so back we go). On top of all that,  I received some stunning (in a knock you down way) personal financial news. All within 12 hours.

I admit it… I went straight into fear. Big Fear. The next thing I knew I was sobbing, questioning why I’m on the planet in the 1st place and whether or not I can find the strength to keep going. Next I began to question why God is still punishing me. I’ve done everything, stepped up to every test. Will the tests never end? Within a few minutes I was in the darkest of places where I question my strength to keep on living. That got my attention and I knew I needed support. 

It’s All About Faith

I called my Shaman and had a session the very next day. By then, I was calmer. But my world still seemed to be falling apart, yet again.

Her guidance was simple. She told me what I already knew, deep down inside, far beneath all my triggered reponses and fear. The naysayers and all the other supposed roadblocks were simply a test of my faith, in myself and in my path with purpose. The question was all about how I would respond. So far, I wasn’t exactly passing the test, now was I?

My Shaman gave me a very specific assignment - to write down all of the moments in my life when God (Source, the Universe) had sent angels to protect and save me,  times when I knew that I was loved and in my faith. 

I know it sounds strange, but simply hearing from someone else what I already knew - that this was a test of faith - was all I needed to pull myself out of the dark funk and back into the light. I wasn’t ready to race forward, but I was able to calm the scary voices and simply settle into my own energy.

In that settled place, I was finally able to see clearly. I was DOing it again - PUSHing forward, setting schedules, applying pressure, creating stress and proving myself to be yet again imperfect. None of which was supporting following my path with purpose. I’d fallen into my own repetitive pattern - forcing and worrying and fretting from my false self - instead of being in faith and listening to my own intuitive direction. Here we go again. 

I Need a Sign

Isn’t it amazing how we can fall into the same darned pattern even when we  are focused on changing that pattern?  That’s the power of programming my friends. I started to beat myself up, then stopped and laughed instead.  We are human!

Beyond all the scary voices was a very calm voice telling me to simply sit and be, to listen to my true voice and wait for guidance. Say what?  I’ve been waiting for guidance for years now. I need a sign - and now!  But no sign appeared.

I knew it was time to take a step back and simply breathe. I shut down my computer and moved all my ToDo’s for the next few days. I meditated, wrote in my Journal and generally let go of all the pressure for the rest of the day and the next morning. I began to write down all of the times God protected me; after the 1st page I was laughing because I was only to my 20s. So many demonstrations in my life. So many moments beyond magic. Yet I still wanted a sign about my specific purpose, some guidance at least.  My brain, that pesky programmed part of me, needed facts to know that I was on the right path! 

I Get What I Asked For

My gal pal and I went out riding the next afternoon. It was a glorious day I was so blessed to be out with my horses where I always find my truth. Friend Emily was riding Shadow, friend Cori was riding Olliver and leading Lucy, Mav and I were bringing up the rear. We meandered through the redwoods back and forth across the river, then began to lope up a wide trail that climbed one of the hills. 

Suddenly the horses in front of me stopped. As Mav and I caught up, Lucy  decided to double barrel him - right off the side of a cliff. It happened before I even knew it was coming. One minute we were loping on solid ground and the next minute - we were sliding full speed down a 35 degree slope, through downed trees, stumps, underbrush and big holes. Maverick was struggling to catch his balance.  I knew that at any minute he could catch a branch, stump or hole and flip over on me, or he could break his leg or worse. We were sliding straight toward a 200+ foot ravine drop and certain death. He didn’t have a chance of stopping with me on his back -  so I jumped. My feet hit the ground and then the redwood needles slipped and both feet went up as I fell onto my back and a log. OUCH.  It took everything I had to sit up to check on Mav. He’d stopped about 2-3 feet before the big dropoff. Magically, miraculously he was safe. 

In that moment - I knew I had my sign. The only reason we were both alive and pretty much unharmed was because of my Angels. What could’ve (and probably should’ve) been a disaster was transformed to a minor  annoyance. I’m sore, the Mav has a few cuts and bumps -  but overall we are both fine. Angels all around. Yep - I got my sign. Loud and Clear. 

What if we are being tested? 

So many people seem to be going through their own personal tests of faith these days. I hear stories on coaching calls, through social media friendships and in my own personal relationships. My own coaches and healers tell me their clients are experiencing their own tests. 

Why the tough times?  That seems to be the question everyone is asking. 

I believe it’s because we are shifting, evolving as energetic beings, stepping further into our own limitless potential. The Age of Information is waning. The times when we relied on intellect, logic, data and facts to define our world are giving way. Simply look around and you’ll see these foundations falling away as people rise up to demand a more balanced way of life. Even in the US we can see foundations crumbling as big corporations are slowly being called on to step up to priorities beyond profits. The old way is failing all around - making way for a new more natural and spirit-based approach to life and living.

We’re moving into the Age of Intuition. It’s the time to step away from clinging to Do-ing and into a reliance on our Be-ing. We are energetic creators, capable of anything we can imagine. The problem is that we’ve all been programmed with fear to limit ourselves and our self-belief. It’s time to return to our powerful, amazing truth!

The tests we’re facing are all here to help us shift our programming. I don’t know about you -but all my tests are focused on ceasing to DO (pushing it through, running for perfection, making it happen) and learning to BE  - in trust, in flow and in harmony.

The challenge is that’s not the way we’ve been programmed by society nor is this the way many live on our planet today. To learn to Be, we must step out of our thought-driving comfort zone and into trusting in our energetic selves. As easy as that may sound, it can be really hard when fear has us in its grip. Fear holds us in our past, in our lesser way of Doing. Yet we hang on so tightly. 

We have a very simple choice.

We can step forward in faith, trusting that the tests will fall away and the way will be clear in the face of our faith.

Or we can hang onto the way we’ve always done it and continue to try and “do” our way out of the trials. I doubt that will work - it hasn’t worked for me for over thirty years now and trust me, I am world class Do-er. But it is one choice.

Today, as I write this - I’m more peaceful than I can remember being in decades. I’m pausing in my life to learn to still my mind, to listen to my intuition and to trust in my spirit self. There is no logic, no fact to prove my decision. And there is no plan for my future. 

There is simply me, my faith and sweet sweet silence. 

With a little help from some angels - I’m choosing to Be in Faith. The rest - well, that will come. When it’s time.