I had quite the shock last week. You see, I lost a big consulting opportunity - because of this blog.
Yep - that’s right. Seems the potential client (a large tech company) was doing web research on me after one of my consulting associates recommended me to restructure their positioning.
They Googled me, found this blog, read it - and that was that. Seems I made them uncomfortable and they questioned whether I was stable enough to do the work that I’ve done successfully for over twenty years now. All because I’m sharing my truth to help others like me.
At first I was angry.
Then I cried. A lot. Feeling so powerless, so hurt and frankly, like an outcast. Wondering if I’ve screwed up my life forever - at least my business career. You see - this event explained something that’s confused me for the past six months. I couldn’t figure out why so many business deals were going away when I have a 100% close rate over 20 years. Now I think I know.
Today I’m angry again.
I feel that this is yet another example of our society and the black and white judgements about abuse and other ugly experiences. Don’t tell - bury your head like an ostrich - stay silent. What BS.
The bottom line is that I was judged for sharing my personal story when I am a professional business woman. I broke the sacred rule - I mixed business with my own true self by having the courage to share my story publicly.
My friend who recommended me into the company suggested that I stop posting anything about this blog or any of my personal life on social media. I have to go dark on the personal side of my world and stick to “business” only.
That feels so false to me - and yet it’s what the world wants. And obviously what the world will reward. Since the world is what gives me dollars to live - I’m now in a tough position. I can stand up for who and what I am, and lose more business. Or I can succumb to the pressures and hide my truth - to keep my professional self and dollars coming in.
I’m going to split the difference. Here’s how:
- I’ve changed my name back to Bel Brown on this blog - so no one will see Thriving when they search for Rebel Brown. What a crock is that - I feel like I’m hiding.
- I’m disengaging my RSS feed to Triberr - so there will be no more RTs through that channel.
- I’m not going to post these blogs anywhere on my social media sites. I can’t afford to do that anymore given this latest situation, and what I now suspect are others with the same results.
The above means that I’m basically writing this blog for myself - and for those who find me here. Which is what it’s all about anyway, right? But Im disappointed - and a big part of me feels I’m sacrificing my integrity for the almight dollar - which goes so against my core beliefs.
I’d appreciate your thoughts on this whole thing - for those who read this post. I admit it - I’m hurt, I’m upset, I’m angry and I’m once again feeling powerless in the face of those who wield power over me in this world.
But this time - I’m mad as hell too. I may have to go dark - but I will not be silenced.