We are Not Broken

“We’re all broken, we just learn to live with the breaks.” ~ seen on Facebook

For most of my life, I believed I was broken.

As a child I was a smart kid in a very small town, which made me different and that translated over time to my being somehow broken. During my life the traumas have been sometimes harsh, from being stood up at the altar to violent physical attacks to embezzlement and betrayal by those I trusted. I assumed those   experiences broke me even more. When I recovered my stunning childhood memories, I finally knew I was broken forever after.

Well, guess what?

I was wrong. 

We’re Programmed to Believe We’re Broken

But we must be broken by life’s traumas. After all, that’s what society teaches us. We’re taught that once we’ve had bad experiences, those experiences change us forever. And not for the positive.

We end up seeing ourselves as a patchwork quilt; some patches are beautiful and untarnished, some a bit dull and some are just plain tatters. We learn to “live with it.”  That’s the best we can hope for given the power of whatever negative experience we’re surviving.

Traditional therapies serve to further imprint our broken belief. We relive and deeply explore those traumatic experiences, negative beliefs or scary voices that supposedly caused our broken state. The thing is - the more we relive and explore those experiences, the more powerful we make the limiting beliefs, strengthening the programming that we are broken. Our brokenness simply gains more traction.

We are Not Broken

After years of exploring my own state of limited programming, I no longer believe we are broken. I believe that we are all born to be Unstoppable. It’s just that society and our experiential programming gets in the way, teaching us to be fearful, limited beings. Society teaches us to be broken.

When we say we’re broken, even with the intention of moving toward being fixed, we limit ourselves. We imprint a negative belief, a belief that implies little hope of healing. Some of us use that broken state as an explanation or crutch. Some use it for sympathy while others bear it as a cross. 

The good news is that we can break down the barriers created by our scary voices.  I’m living proof that we can do that. Five years ago I was on my knees, praying to die. I couldn’t get out of bed for almost two years I was so “broken”.  

I found the truth. I am not broken, none of us are. We’re simply blocked from our truth. The great news is that with the right tools, we can shift our perspectives and programs. We can reclaim our unstoppable truth.

The First Simple Step

No complicated science here… simply visualization and feeling.

• Pick a time in your life when you knew you were unstoppable! Put yourself into that time and bring all of the sensations and feelings. Feel your confidence, energy, attitude and lifting heart. Right in this moment - fully re-experience that time. Practice until you can bring that memory in all its fullness to you at any point in time you need it. This is your place of unstoppable power.

• Begin to monitor your internal voices, the self-talk that goes on inside our heads every day. Pay close attention. Every time you hear a limiting belief, or a voice that says you’re broken, unworthy, unlovable or worse, STOP. Do the same when you feel yourself weighing heavy, tired, overwhelmed.   Then….

• Step back into that place of unstoppable power. Bring that positive moment in time to yourself.  Bask in that feeling. Now, bring that scary voice into that feeling, recognizing that it is just plain wrong. Feel your power and how small and pesky that voice truly is. Then lovingly put it into a balloon or some kind of container (put every single aspect of it inside that balloon).  Stuff that container full of that negative voice that is oh so wrong. Then, say thanks to that belief and say “goodbye, “as your release the balloon to the Universe, in gratitude and grace for its well-intentioned purpose.Knowing that the fearful voice and its impact on you are now gone, forever.

You may have to release similar voices over and over again. I had one voice that took over a year to fully release. It was programmed very, very deeply. Be patient and stick with it. You will feel the shift, and you will feel your energy lift as you discover the amazing and oh so powerful truth.

You are unstoppable! 

Success is in the Repeat

If you’re like me, changing a habit can be frustrating. We commit to a shift, our hearts filled with good intentions. Then, sometimes sooner rather than later, we fall back into the same habits. Which can be frustrating and defeating. But there’s Unstoppable news!

Recently I learned the really simple reason for that behavior - and we can change it! Here’s how. 

Our Brain and Habits

Our habits are formed over time, thanks to the power of repetition in our brain. As a behavior or belief repeats, our brain begins to hardwire it into what’s known as a habit loop. Over time have loops can become purely unconscious -  for example, driving. How often do you get to your destination and not really remember all of the driving behaviors that got you there? That’s an unconscious habit loop. When you consider that over 95% of our behaviors and decisions are driven by our unconscious, these habit loops become very important in our lives and in our ability to change. 

When we consciously choose to change a habit -  we can use the components of that habit to create triggers that allow us to shift the behavior.

Yet as I learned recently, it takes more than a commitment to change to shift our behavior. It takes repetition. 

The Power of the Repeat

Part of the challenge is internal conflict around our habits.

• We process new information in our right brain. That new information or behavior sticks in our right mind for 21-30 days. 

• After that time has passed, we move that information or new habit loop into our left brain for long term storage and access. 

• When we begin to replace a habit pattern with a new pattern, our right brain leads the shift. This is a new piece of behavior. The challenge begins when our left brain accesses our habitual memory and throws on the brakes. Even as our right brain is suggesting a new behavior, our left brain is shouting out the knowns of our habit. And there’s safety in that habit. 

The result? We are conflicted in our brains. In the presence of conflict or threat - status quo bias drives us to default to the known, or in this case, the habit. 

How to Break That Pesky Habit?

We consciously repeat the new choice. 

Experts have proven that it takes about 21 -30 days to change a habit, give or take. We have to consciously repeat the new choice long enough and for enough repetitions to replace the old habit stored in our left brain.

The good news is that once we consciously change our habits for ~30 day period, our habit loop and wiring changes. The old habit is replaced by the new choice and we successfully adapt.

The above was such freeing news for me. Now, instead of believing that I have to focus on the shift for months or years (or forever after),  I know that by focusing and sticking to my commitment for 3 to 4 weeks, I will be successful. 

You can do anything for a month. Just think how Unstoppable you’ll be on the other side:) 

The Habit of Self Respect

The older I grow the more I realize how many people I have trained to take advantage of me. In some cases I’ve consciously seen the abuse and disrespect, even as I’ve gone back for more, and more, and more. 

It was like I’m magnetically pulled to these folks - in business and in my personal life. For decades I couldn’t understand why I let clients take advantage of me - working me way harder than anyone else and paying me less. The same went for supposed friends in my life who, in reality, were little more than users. They took and took from me when they needed me, then cast me aside like I was yesterday’s coffee when they no longer needed me or my generosity. 

Yet back I went for more.

Seeking Worthiness

I realize now that it’s all part of the pattern we create in our unconscious minds as abused kids or adults. Our abusers tell us we’ll never be good enough, never be worthy, never be lovable. And we believe them. After all, we’re kids, or battered women or men who can’t quite pick ourselves up at that moment. Their lies imprint as our truth. 

Over time the abuse stops as we grow into adults or leave the situation. Yet those unconscious patterns continue to control our lives. I didn’t remember my childhood abuse for decades. Yet I spent hours in traditional therapy trying to find the answers, flailing at the wrong windmills. Not one therapist got to the true cause of what they dubbed my “need for approval”. Today, I know the truth. Approval is only the tip of the iceberg.

I’m driven by pure survival. I have to be worthy so that the horrors will stop. So, I attract people with multiple faces, those who would control me, belittle me, use me and then cast me aside. People so much like my childhood abusers.

If I can only get one of them to love me, to say I’m OK - I will finally be safe.

The Healing is Within

That pattern has been part of my unconscious being for too long. This year, I’m stepping up to heal it once and for all.

I won’t find my healing by allowing more supposed friends to take advantage of me. I’ll never be safe by pursuing that age old pattern.

I will find my safety within myself, by standing up for and believing in my own worthiness.

My commitments are simple:

• I will continue to be the giving, caring and good friend that I am. I will not change that about myself. I will simply shift the focus of my giving to those who respect and are grateful for my gifts and support. 

• I will be clear about the people I bring into my life. When I see the signs of a user or manipulator, I will simply move on. No need for me to get their approval, or to change them. I will exit stage left.

• I will surround myself with loving folks who are capable of giving and taking, who have one face that is their truth. People who have healed their own stuff and are living in the light of honesty about themselves and how they treat others.

• Most of all, I will love and respect myself. I will know that I deserve to be treated with respect and honor. Just as I treat others. 

Every day - I will remind myself.  I AM worthy. 

And so are you… 

How to Change Your Habits

“First we make our habits, then our habits make us.” ~ Charles C Noble

We’re through the highs of the holidays and most of us are back into the day to day routine. 

As for our New Year’s Resolutions - well, they may or may not still be alive and well. Not because we lack commitment, focus, self-control. So don’t thow negative comments at yourself when you break that promise not to eat chocolate or stay on FaceBook for hours. It’s really not your fault.

We are humans and humans are driven by our programming. Some programming is instinctual, some is experiential and some is just plain habit. All of our habits are created and controlled by our unconscious minds. 

Habits are part of our mental programs. When we resolve to change habits in our lives, the odds are against us actually keeping those resolutions.

Until we understand how to shift the mind programming behind those habits.   

How Our Mind Creates Habits

Our brain creates habits as a way to make life easier. We process so many inputs we can’t possibly react to all of them- so we creates behavioral responses or routines to be more efficient. For example - we take the actions required to make a pot of coffee and store them as a single routine that we can do without a thought.  Or we duck for cover when we hear a loud noise as a way to protect ourselves - without a conscious thought. All of our habits are stored and are repeated  as a rote response whenever we experience that same trigger.

Once a habit is created it acts as an automatic loop that plays repeatedly when activated. 

•  We experience a specific trigger.  The phone rings. The dog barks. A loud noise happens on the street. A stressful conversation ends with someone angry.

•  Our unconscious responds with a chunk of behavior. We answer the phone. We check to see if someone is outside. We look around for a threat.  We go to the frig and pull out the Rocky Road.

•  We’re reinforced and repeat. We create a response that stops the ringing, shuts up the dog, checks for a threat or relieves our feelings of stress.

And so it goes. Some habits are good for us - some not so much. 

The Power to Change

Once we understand the loops that trigger and reward our habits in thinking and doing - we have the power to change. 

 Each of the three actions in our habit loops offer a chance to interrupt our habit and create a new, conscious behavior or thought process.

Don’t worry, it’s not rocket science. It’s about breaking down the habit into its parts and intercepting the habit before it happens. 

The Trigger: Every human has millions of triggers that are programmed in our minds. Some are instinctual (fight or flight), some are learned (stop for that red light).

For me, the most important step in changing my behavior is to first pay attention to and recognize my triggers. Before they illicit the habit I want to change. Once we get in front of the trigger - we can change our response - consciously.

For example, for years I had a trigger associated with negative feedback (imagine that). It was programmed into me as a child, when being anything but perfect meant that I was in grave danger of being badly hurt by those who abused me. For decades I searched for a way to have a positive response to negative feedback - but I struggled.  Sure, finally I learned to I shut up and listen with a smile on my face. But internally I had the same response, which was to move into defensive mode in preparation to fight for my life (which I did as a child). 

Then I learned the power of change through shifting our minds …and I was able to change the program. Every time I felt the trigger flick - I stopped, breathed and paused as I cleared my mind. That simple interruption between the trigger and the response helped me get in front of the routine before I repeated the cycle.

You can do the same. Pay attention to the triggers that results in an emotionally driven (and usually programmed) response - for example a threat, a complaining partner, a tough conversation, a day beyond stress. When the trigger happens - simply stop your forward action. Don’t respond with the way you’ve always done it. STOP. BREATHE.  CLEAR YOUR HEAD.  That simple shift opens the door to a new action and a change!

The Routine: We humans love patterns because patterns make life safe and comfortable. We create routines from the moment we’re born. We feel pain, hunger or fear so we cry for our parents. We’re told we aren’t athletic so we avoid sports. We do our homework in the same way every night.  We do the same in every aspect of our lives - at home, at work and in our various relationships.

We’re taught specific practices and thought processes by our parents, peers and teachers. We then apply those lessons as we move forward in life. The problem happens when those routines no longer serve us. Like that Rocky Road response to stress….

We can interrupt our routines to change our thinking and behaviors. How? Simply by stopping at the trigger and then defining a better response.

•  Instead of reaching for the Rocky Road after you stop yourself at the frig - grab that apple. Yes, you have to consciously interrupt the pattern. Yes, you may want that Rocky Road more than anything, ever. Simply stop and force the change in your response.

•  Once you change a response for a week (or maybe two for those really favorite habits), you’ll notice that the habit is changing too. The draw to Rocky Road gets less and the automatic response to grab fruit instead is taking hold.

The Reinforcement: Every mouse wants their cheese at the end of the maze. We humans are no different. That’s why it’s critical we change the reinforcement for our habits and instinctual human programming.

For example, start a tote board and give yourself a star for every time you grab the apple instead of the Rocky Road. Look at the board and allow pride to swell. GOOD for you. Put notes in the places where you experience stress (like at your desk), reminding yourself that you’ve successfully managed that stress 10 times in the last week, 50 times in the last month.  Reward yourself and remind yourself of your success. 

Simple Steps Toward the Limitless You

We are born to be limitless, powerful creators.  Until we’re reprogrammed by our world and our experiences.

We can change that programming.  Changing our habits is a simple, concrete way to begin shifting our programs.

Take ONE habit you want to change and use the above process for a week.  At the end of the week - focus on how far you’ve come, the successes you’ve had and keep going. 

Within 30 days you’ll reprogram that habit.  I guarantee it.   

And that’s one more limitation OUT of your life - forever. 

______

For the past few years I’ve blogged about my experiences healing my childhood abuse and trauma.  Well - now I’m on the other side and I’m ready to share all of the amazing lessons I’ve learned along my blessed journey.

So many of you have reached out to me, sharing your own traumas and horrors that have limited your life. I want to share my experience to change that for you - just as these experiences have changed my life. 

We can all ditch the impacts of our trauma to step into our innately powerful selves. I’ve been blessed by teachers and shamans, gurus and guides who taught me the powerful practices that can, and did, release the trauma so that I can now be fully in my truth.

I’m excited to share them on this blog in 2013.  This year I’m committed to sharing powerful tips that will guide you to Change Your Mind to Create the Limitless You! 

Stop back every Thursday for a new tip and practice.  I promise you - your life and you WILL change - Dramatically.  I’m walking, living proof. 

Here’s to Being UNSTOPPABLE!

Bel 

Every Ending is a New Beginning

When I first learned that people weren’t hiring me as a business professional, assuming I was unstable because of this blog, an end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it fear consumed me.  Had I totally ruined my career because I posted this blog? Were people really that narrow minded, even in our modern world??? 

Then I got angry. How can someone judge me negatively for stepping up and telling my truth - ugly as it is? Talk about gravity thinking! As if being abused as a child, moving beyond that abuse and sharing my healing with the world is a bad thing.  Wow.

But then - the silver lining emerged. Slowly, over a period of a few weeks. You see, I stopped writing this blog. even though so many of you were urging me to keep going.  I paused.

It was the best thing I’ve done in years.

My Bright and Shiny Lining

I am all about teaching others to change their programming to see the new opportunities that come with our ever changing world. From speaking to coaching to consulting - that’s what I do. We can’t take advantage of all the shifts around us if we keep doing and thinking the way we’ve always done it. 

You cannot continue to tell the same story, do the same things, repeat the same mantras inside your head and have a hope of thriving.  Our world is changing, our lives are changing. We have to change too.

Yet since I started writing this blog, I’ve been retelling the same old story, dredging up healing from my past and sharing it. Virtually living the story of my childhood and all the lessons I’ve learned as I healed through the past few years.  The problem is - all that writing and sharing kept me stuck in the powerlessness I felt as a child.  That powerlessness slowly crept into my adult life, my beliefs and my behaviors. I never knew it, until I paused this blog for a bit.

I am so grateful I did just that! I’m more positive, powerful and eager about my life right now than I’ve been in five+ years. Almost as soon as I stopped dredging up my history, I stepped into my power. A personal power I haven’t felt for the five years of healing. In my power, I focused on my future and all it’s potential, not my past and all it’s powerlessness. 

I’ve been so lost, feeling like an ADD kid combined with a mentalpausal woman - chasing this idea and that idea, flopping around in my life. Now I realize I’ve been scattered because I lost my faith in myself. Slowly, slowly, as I told my story, I began to live and breather the powerlessness of my little girl. That powerlessness became my adult truth - and believe me, I created even more reasons to feel powerless.

And so the cycle that began in my childhood returned, continued to gain a foothold and then took control of my life. AS I thought I was healing - I was actually falling deeper and deeper into the powerlessness of my childhood self. 

Until I stepped out of my story and back into my NOW life.  That’s when I found the magic - and a true new beginning.

Shining Brightly Friends

So many of my social media sistahs and brothahs have urged me to continue to write - and I will, someday. For right now, I’m going to continue the pause, settle into my full power in the now of today’s reality, and let the stories go silent.

But I will be back.  I won’t be sharing stories that look back at my past. Instead - I’ll be sharing lessons learned as I truly step into my future - in all of its glorious power. Finally I can say - I AM BACK!

Luv n light

Bel